Loving and being loved have always been my wishes, influenced by the idealized portrayals in movies. In nursery school, there was a girl named Tasha. She was undeniably pretty, and our classmates would compete to sit next to her. In contrast, no one wanted to sit with me, even though everyone said I was pretty, too.

Throughout primary school, my peers received love letters, but I never did. I consoled myself with the thought that perhaps high school would be different since that’s when my sister got her first boyfriend. However, in secondary school, while boys would ask girls to talk to them after class, no one ever approached me. Instead, I was always the messenger, delivering notes between boys and other girls. None of those notes were ever for me, and no boy showed any interest in talking to me, let alone dating me. I felt invisible to boys unless they needed me to deliver messages to other girls.

I wasn’t ugly. In fact, I was sometimes considered one of the beauties in my class, but that was as far as it went. My looks seemed to have no purpose, and it was frustrating. I finished high school without any romantic attention. The first boy who showed interest in me became my first boyfriend, not because I liked him but because I feared I wouldn’t get another chance. He treated me poorly, but I felt I had no choice but to stay with him.

In university, I eventually broke up with him when he found someone better. This left me heartbroken and feeling utterly unwanted. It pained me to see my friends in relationships, especially with boys I had crushes on, while I had no one. My nights are lonely, with everyone else out with their boyfriends, leaving me alone with my books. This loneliness drives me to fantasize about relationships I will never have.

I desperately wish for someone to approach me, regardless of their looks or personality. I would do anything to keep them, as I am tired of being alone.

Written by: Merci Mpundu 

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As I was growing up, I always had a dream of being completely financially independent. Relying on someone else, especially a man, was never an option for me. I was never fascinated by the traditional roles of a wife and mother. In fact, I felt like they were a threat to the freedom I cherished. Now, as I write this, I can’t help but wonder if this mindset came from not having a father or father figure around from as early as 6 months old. My single mother was the only parent I knew, and she demonstrated that the strength of a mother who fulfils the role of two parents is truly unmatched.

As my friends started dating in our teenage years, I was bewildered by their excitement about men. Sharing everything – emotions, responsibilities, and even personal space – seemed more like a burden than a blessing to me. While they were dreaming about future weddings, romance, and babies, I was focused on planning a life where I did not have to shrink myself down, one that would be free from the expectations of marriage.

I remember having lessons in school about marriage and relationships that only strengthened my resolve. I distinctly recall saying to my best friend of that time that if I ever got married, I would never share a bed with my husband – at least not every single day. The concept of living in separate homes seemed like an ideal way to maintain my independence. And yes, I know that it might sound crazy and far-fetched, but to me, it felt like the perfect compromise: having a partner without giving up personal freedom and space.

As I approached my thirties, my life took an unexpected turn. I found myself in a relationship with someone who understood and respected my need for space and independence. Despite my initial resistance, as time went on, I realized that gradually, love had found a way to sneak up on me (when I least expected it) and convinced me that it was okay to change my perspective on things. I find it really funny sometimes how life can surprise you.

Within the nine years together now, my partner slowly brought out a side of me I never knew existed (or would ever exist). Suddenly, the idea of sharing my life with someone didn’t seem so frightening. In fact, it became something I looked forward to every day. This relationship taught me that being with someone doesn’t mean losing yourself. Instead, it showed me that true love respects and nurtures individuality while creating a powerful bond.

They say, “Nothing is certain in life,” and my journey has taught me the truth of this phrase. I have also learned that the walls I built to protect my independence were also keeping out the joys of true love and vulnerability. Now, all I want is to spend my whole life with my partner, through every moment; I never want to be without the embrace of his presence.

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Why is it that when it comes to our own lives, we forget to take our own good advice?

Well, that’s what I’m finding out about myself. With hindsight, I can see it all so clearly. Still, when I am in the middle of an emotional conflict with my boyfriend, my judgement becomes clouded, and I lose my centre. I have been with this guy for two years, and I really do love him, but somehow, we always end up having massive arguments, and I am always to blame. He convinces me that I am wrong, and I find myself apologizing, but deep inside, I know it’s not right. How can I always be wrong? Of course, I am sometimes, but a relationship is a two-way street. We have broken up five times, and I go back to him each time. I know that I am so clear about why when I break up with him. However, it doesn’t take long before I find my reasons for leaving him are less important than my love for him.

My family find it very difficult, and I find myself more isolated as they disagree with how he behaves. If it were a friend of mine doing this, I would tell her to leave and to break it up once and for all, but I seem to find myself back with him. He promises he will change and always does his best in the beginning, and then the cracks start reappearing. I want him to be my forever person, and I am determined to give everything I have to make our relationship work. I know what is right, but I still find myself with him at the end of the day. I suppose time will tell.

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The question of why some Christians engage in premarital sex is complex and multifaceted. It is also a question that requires a personal answer so when answering this question, I will do so broadly and subjectively. I am in no position to take an objective stance over this question, I only know what I know and I am aware that what I know may be wrong. Not all Christians believe that premarital sex is morally acceptable, and there is significant variation among Christian denominations and among people in their beliefs and practices regarding sexual behaviour. Here are some factors that I think may contribute to why some Christians engage in premarital sex:

Cultural and Social Factors: In many parts of the world, premarital sex is becoming more accepted and normalized, even among religious communities. This can create pressure for many people to conform to societal norms and engage in sexual behavior before marriage.

Lack of Education: Some Christians may not fully understand or appreciate the biblical teachings on sexual purity and may engage in premarital sex out of ignorance or misunderstanding.

Personal Beliefs and Values: Some Christians may hold different beliefs and values regarding sexuality than those traditionally taught by the church. For example, some Christians may believe that love and commitment are more important than marital status when it comes to sexual relationships.

Temptation and Weakness: Christians, like all human beings, are subject to temptation and may struggle with sexual desires and impulses. This can be particularly challenging for young Christians who may be exploring their sexuality and trying to navigate the complexities of relationships and social norms.

Hypocrisy and Judgment: Some Christians may feel that the church’s emphasis on sexual purity is hypocritical or overly judgmental, particularly if they have experienced judgment or condemnation from fellow believers for their sexual behavior.

It’s important to note that engaging in premarital sex is not unique to Christianity, and it is a behavior that is common across all religious and cultural backgrounds. Ultimately, people must make their own decisions about their sexual behavior based on their personal beliefs and values, and it is up to each person to decide what is right for them.

These are just some of my thoughts, what are your thoughts on this topic?

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I am Biankie. I’m a young black African woman. In my community, women have no say, women are not given the opportunity to be leaders, and a community where domestic violence is the norm.

This is my story.

Biankie, The Black African Woman Against Domestic Violence

I was born into a family of five. Three brothers, a sister, and myself. A family where physical, mental, verbal and domestic violence is the norm because of the community I come from. I grew up seeing women in my community suffering.

Many women lost their lives because of the countless beatings and insults from the men they married. Yet nothing is being done about these men. My mom was part of those women. As young as I was, there was no time I had peace in the place I called home. Knives, cooking utensils, and irons were fighting tools in my house. This continued until I turned twenty, and two of my brothers married. My big brother Kofi got married to a lovely young lady. As did my second brother Atinbila.Their marriages were full of joy, and I admired their marriages.

I graduated from law school. I, Biankie, wanted to make a difference. I wanted to be the first female president in my country. I wanted to be that black African woman who would give voiceless women a voice. As the years passed, I won many cases as a lawyer. I also set up many organizations to help women mentally and physically damaged by domestic violence.

When I was twenty-five, I decided to visit my brothers as it had been a long time since I’d seen them and their new family, so I went to Kofi, happy to knock on the door, only for me to see his wife disorganized, a young lady coming out with a broken head, one red eye, and full of tears.

I sat her down and asked why. I asked what had happened. It was her husband. My brother. So, I left her house and told her to meet me in my office the next day. Out of anger, I took my bag and went straight to my second brother’s house. I knocked and noticed no one was coming. I knocked again and met a pregnant woman with marks on her body. I shouted and asked why. She told me it was her husband. My brother.

As a lawyer, people knew me. I mostly had a lot of cases of domestic violence. I was nicknamed BIANKIE, THE BLACK AFRICA WOMAN AGAINST DOMESTIC VIOLENCE. The question now was, how do I fight? It was my family, and I was the voice of women. My country was looking at me. Was I going to represent my brothers? Or stand by their wives? I had family members coming to me saying the family is family.

“I stand as lawyer to defend these two women, my lord.”

Justice was served.

An African woman is like a lion, ready to protect.

Ready to die.

Ready to love.

Story by Asem Martina Biankie

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I DON’T WANT TO BE

I don’t want to be a wife.

A housewife, working wife, whatsoever wife!

It’s not that I simply don’t want to lose my life.

That is also a point, but that’s beside the point.

It’s simply because being a wife is as complicated as coding,

More complex than hacking and quite as hectic as military training.

It is not simply something you do just because you want to.

It is not a matter of faith that you will blindly believe you can, and then it is done.

I am not saying I don’t want to be submissive; welcoming your guests and kneeling

Before that was also a point, but that’s so beside the point.

See, the bottom line is; I don’t want to be a mother!

It’s not that I don’t want to lose sleep at night,

Changing diapers and listening to the wailing of an infant…

Well, that is also a point, but that’s so beside the point.

Have you ever tried balancing a chemical equation without the guidance of a teacher?

Or have you solved the bulldozer method and its entire origin without the aid of an example?

It’s not that I am afraid of being a lousy mother,

But when it comes to trying, I would rather not bother.

It’s not that I am afraid of being plunged into the unknown –

But, well, who isn’t?

“You will change your mind, You’re just immature”, they say.

Yes, I am immature, but I still don’t want to be a mother, a wife, for that matter.

After all, how will I learn to be one without a good example from one?

© Nambaziira Leticia

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This is the kind of love I want:
A love that makes the trouble of this world invisible to me
A love that cherishes me above my flaws
A love that forgives my mistakes
A love that pushes me to be the best
A love that shields and protect
A love that makes me vulnerable
A love that produces actions from its words
A love which conquers all battles
A love that strengthens and builds me
A love that brings my dreams to reality
A love that overcomes my fears, doubt and struggles
A love that gives endless joy
A love that guides me in fulfilling God’s purpose for me
A love that teaches, corrects, and understands
I pray I find such LOVE.

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I feel like society has failed to romanticize and celebrate black love. I think, as black people, we need to free ourselves from the shackles of viewing romantic love as it has been portrayed by media and society. Of course, there is no standard for how people should view love. However, the media has lowkey, or even high-key set a standard that many of us follow. Unfortunately, this standard does not necessarily promote diversity and representation (these are just my views and opinions).

I think black love is underrepresented in many ways and is often portrayed in a negative or stereotypical light. Celebrating black love promotes positive images of black people, especially on Valentines day. This day is meant to be inclusive, but I don’t think it is. Baby cupid doesn’t look like me, romcoms don’t always have people that look like me, sexy valentines day lingerie models also don’t look like me.

So I think that on this day, we need to highlight the stories of black couples by giving them a voice and a space to express their love. In addition, black relationships have often been subjected to harmful stereotypes, such as dysfunctional or relationships that are prone to conflict. Celebrating black love can challenge these stereotypes by showcasing positive examples of black love and relationships. For example, highlighting the strong and loving relationships between black celebrities, such as Jay-Z and Beyonce, Michelle and Barak Obama, can counteract harmful stereotypes and promote a positive representation of black love.

Showcasing positive examples of black love can empower the black community by promoting pride and self-esteem. It can also inspire black people to strive for healthy and loving relationships, fostering a sense of community and support. When the media highlights successful black relationships, others can be encouraged to strive for similar love. For example, black couples who openly share their love stories and experiences have inspired me to prioritize love and relationships. It is easier to relate to people who look like me.

Celebrating black love should become normalized and accepted as a valid and valuable form of love. This will create a more inclusive and diverse society where passion is recognized and valued, regardless of race.

So on this valentines day, I will celebrate, romanticize and embrace black love!

Do you have a love story you want to share?

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When people died, I used to think it was not that serious. I don’t know why… maybe it was because they were not close to me. Then my brother died, and that’s when it hit me – how precious life is. The thought of never seeing him again and of him never coming back to life… How I was never going to talk to him again was what brought me greater pain. It took time for it to sink in,  and even when I finally accepted it, I couldn’t believe that someone who held the most important place in my heart was gone and I would never see him again. It hurt so much because when he died, I was just a little girl, so every day, I would look at his pictures and say, “bro it’s been long since you left. When are you coming back? I miss you.” The fact that we shared the same birthday hurts me even more. I would say, “until you come back, I will not celebrate my birthday.” The feeling is unbearable, and it has made me realise that as a person, you don’t always decide where life takes you; therefore, you must embrace it with every chance you get.

Written by Patience Phiri

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