Here is the thing about the weight of the world…
Sometimes it might feel like the darkness is swallowing you whole.
And you are tangled in a blanket of despair,
Wondering if anyone else feels the same way.
And if there even a sliver of hope left?

Maybe your mind is a constant battlefield right now,
a constant war of emotions, and mental breakdowns,
Or maybe your body is racked with physical pain that won’t go away.

Maybe you often question your worth,
And doubt if anyone truly cares or loves you,
You yearn for an escape from this mental prison.
Anxiety, depression, rejection – they grip you tight,
and breaking free seems impossible.

All these thoughts come from every direction,
a whirlwind of confusion and gloom.
Making you feel more lost and adrift,
and yet, no one seems to truly understand your plight.

But even in this bottomless abyss,
when the pain feels insurmountable,
I want you to know that you’re not alone.

There’s a light at the end of the tunnel,
Reach deep into your source of strength,
And hold onto that hope,
As though your life depends on it –
Because, when it is all said and done… it does.

Remember, nothing lasts forever – this too shall pass.
This darkness, this despair, it won’t hurt forever.
Be strong, and stand firm in your faith,
and to never give up hope.

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On the 23rd of November 2015, I was abducted on my way home from work. I was robbed and held hostage for a few hours, then eventually released. Unfortunately, while they thought they had just robbed me of my salary, phone and wedding ring, they robbed me of much more. Let me explain how.

In 2016 I started a new job and a total career change. I was determined to learn and do well. But, unfortunately, my big personality, pretty face and larger-than-life sense of confidence struck a nerve in some egos. This messed with my anxiety and triggered so much stress as I quickly learnt that my life at this fantastic boutique-style investment firm would not be easy. Yet me being me, I managed to soldier on, and in doing this, I became more reserved. I cried in the ladies bathroom at least twice a week, and while that hurt, I always kept myself together, and I knew that my top priority was buying my mom a house. Even if that meant being isolated, lonely, or keeping my head down, I knew it was what I needed to do. So I kept my eyes on the prize.

A few years later, I was still in that toxic work environment. I got my mom her house, and I was in a good place financially for some time. In fact, I would like to say that most of my dreams came true. However, because I suppressed so much over the years, I was eventually diagnosed with:

POST-TRAUMATIC STRESS

ANXIETY

AUTOIMMUNE DISEASE

FIBROIDS

the list goes on….

Yes, I’m resilient. In fact, I would like to consider myself a hero. But I’d been broken by so many people over the years and hid all those broken pieces.

When I was robbed in 2015, I was denied peace, and from that day, my body rejected any form of stability or security. I have been operating on an emotional and physical burnout for many years. I was then diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis, which led to choosing between life-saving medication or Procreation. I’m a 38-year-old childless woman. I depend on medication to enable me to move. Every joint in my body is affected.

The traumas I experienced and the fight to survive, which I viewed as determination at the time, broke me and my body.

I should have walked away, yet I had no choice then. I just didn’t know better.

Today as I celebrate 7 years of resilience, I also mourn the children I could not birth, the moments I could not walk, and the therapy sessions I could no longer afford. My message for you is to never turn a blind eye. Soldering on at the expense of your mental and physical health is not worth it.

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These four walls are all I have seen for the past two months. This walk from my bedroom to the sitting room to the kitchen- dining room out to the porch, bathroom, and the guest room, that is all have seen these days. How did my life change so suddenly? I was once the most adventurous girl on the block, but now it is pitiful just how pathetic I have become. I wonder where all my social skills migrated to. I was that ambitious person who took risks and always had a smile on her face. It is ironic how before this, I used to want to stay indoors to read or watch movies all day long and now…oh, how I would love to go to those dreadful family get-togethers. I know I sound crazy…and the sad part is that I feel just as crazy, maybe crazier than I sound. 

I kept looking out the window and hoping that anyone, even Suzan, the girl I could not stand, would just appear outside and talk to me. Face-to-face, not just online. How could the world suddenly shut down like this? We are social beings! We thrive off the energy of people as well as their attention, me more than others. I know how I sound, but…this monster came when I actually liked my life. It was going just fine. My studies, my friends, my family, everything was good, excellent even. And, of course, when they said we had to go home, all I thought was, “oh, how fun! I can stay in bed all day!” But I did not foresee the toll it would have on me. I keep hearing the voices that used to be quiet, silent and patiently waiting for a time like this, when I was alone, and before I thought that would never happen to me. I was always sheltered by people. I made sure of it. Until I was not!  

Music plays every second of the day to fill the demanding silence. Where my thoughts, voices, words, and ideas brood over me like a deafening cloud, overwhelming my senses to the brim. Every now and then, I burst into tears. Hiding is no good! Where, I ask? No one is there to see, judge or at the least hear them. What a life I have! 

Losing track of time is a common fixture. Today could be Tuesday or Sunday. I cannot tell… it is too much work to check. The phone ringing is another regularity, every day at the same time. My award-winning acting of pretending to be okay, productive and happy while burying an active volcano deep inside is just oscar-winning! How can I answer questions about my mental health when I do not know either. Oh, how I wish I knew! Can someone else face my demons for me? Instead, I am forever compelled to listen to the raucous roar of conflicting voices every waking second, and I cannot seem to understand why the universe and all the gods doomed me for the rest of my days.

In the brief moments when it is all quiet and peaceful in my head, I remember the days when I was just a college student, staying in the city, away from my overbearing and protective parents. When I was on top of the world, I was invincible well, except for the exam papers, which were torture. 

That tiny pocket of air where I would call my friends, catch up with them, and see how they were doing in the lockdown. I would look around and think, “I can do this, I can be okay”,- but that positivity disappears in a blink of an eye, and I am back to where I started…empty, alone, except for the voices.

How does one survive one vicious past that keeps haunting and taunting relentlessly? How does one deal with such a time like this when isolated from humanity? Yet, they can see that there is still hope to live, love, and laugh. Is this how I will end up, along with ten, maybe twenty cats baking cookies for my nonexistent grandkids? Okay, I am a bit, if not highly, dramatic and self-pitting, but what am I supposed to think about? I am going through a lot, and maybe, or ideally, I should admit myself to a hospital. But they might as well turn me away, as I am too much for them to handle in this oppressive and insufferable pandemic. What am I to do but wallow in pain and endure to the end of this pandemic or of me, whichever comes first? 

By Vannesa Birungi

Insta handle: @vannesa.birungi

The post Dear Diary: The COVID-19 Pandemic hit me hard! appeared first on Sheevolves.world.

Whilst the holiday season is meant to be a time of joy, family and gifts. It can also be triggering for many people and bring about bouts of anxiety, depression and feeling lonely. As someone who lost both her parents at an early age. I know too well how difficult this time of year can be.; especially as so many people post and share pictures of themselves with loved ones. Thankfully that pain that I felt for many years over the holiday season has been made better by having my own family.

This however does not mean that even as I look on at my daughter playing. Or get to spend the holiday season with my husband and his family. That I do not feel somewhat alone. This is why I like to apply some techniques I have learnt and used for many years to help me cope with this time of the year. And I hope that they help you too.

The first thing I like to do is spend some time honouring my parents. I like to do this by saying a little prayer, looking at pictures of them or even eating, drinking or watching things that they enjoyed. This helps to remind me of the good times we had together. And helps me feel like in some way they are with me.

The second thing I like to do is to talk to my sisters with whom I shared parents too. Knowing that she too may be feeling the same way I am, and also reminding myself that whilst I may have lost my parents, I do have my sisters. It is not a cure-all and not possible for everyone. But I find that the connection, laughs and memories help remind me that I am not alone.

Lastly, I like to up my self-care routine and take time for myself. Some of the many ways I like to practice self-care is watching movies, reading, going for walks and giving myself facials. I also ensure not to drink like a fish to deal with my emotions as I have in the past, as I have come to realize that whilst drinking may provide some temporary release and relief. It does little to deal with the actual problem.

What are some tools or techniques you like to use to deal with anxiety and loneliness during the holiday season?

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The past few weeks have been great for mental health awareness. In large part thanks to the honesty of two world class athletes Naomi Osaka and Simone Biles. If you somehow missed what has been going on. The two athletes (at different times and places) announced that they would be pulling out of competitions for their mental health. For Naomi Osaka this was during the French open, one of the biggest tennis competitions in the world. As a renown tennis player, Naomi Osaka decided to step away from the French Open.

This after she first announced that due to mental health issues she would not be doing press. This comes after many athletes, including other tennis greats like Serena Williams have said that sometimes these mandatory press briefings have been bad for their mental state. In response the French open said it would penalize Ms Osaka. A move that many saw as narrow minded. In response Naomi decided to pull out altogether choosing to put her mental health first.

A similar move was made by US gymnast Simone Biles. Whom during the current Olympics announced that she would not be competing in one of the group competitions.Many speculated that this was due to an injury. As the thought of her not competing for other reasons seemed unfathomable.  At a press briefing a few days later, Biles clarified that she was indeed not injured. But instead decided to step back due to mental health concerns. Whilst the response was mixed, with many wondering how someone, especially a great gymnast like Ms Biles would not participate in one of the biggest sporting events in the world. The conversation started to shift from why to why not?.

Why is it that we expect people to work through pain or trauma. Putting their mental health at risk for the sake of a metal, acclaim or to please others. This conversations, like many others that have been happening around the world about mental health are ones that are long overdue. Especially in a world and culture that rewards pushing yourself past your limit. But is then surprised when people are burnt out or become shells of themselves.

I for one know this too well. Often feeling too ashamed to express my inability to complete what some may deem “basic” tasks due to mental health issues. And something I know many friends and loved ones do too. What I have loved about these two world class athletes coming forward. Is that they have shown that even at your peak you can have mental health issues that need to be addressed. And that stepping back or stepping aside, is not only the right thing to do. But the best thing to do. As Simone Biles put it “We have to protect our mind and our body, rather than just go out there and do what the world wants us to do,”.

This is an important message for us all. Especially when dealing or talking about mental health. Because whilst the term “mental health” may seem foreign and even abstract for some. For many it is as real as an open festering wound, that needs to be tended too. And one that needs all of our attention if we are to support those going through any number of mental health issues.

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Over the past years, mental health has been on everyone’s agenda. But what is mental health and why did it take a global pandemic to wake people up to its importance? The world health organization defines mental health as “a state of well-being in which the individual realizes his or her own abilities, can cope with the normal stresses of life, can work productively and fruitfully, and is able to make a contribution to his or her community”. Which is why when COVID hit, so many of us needed to focus more on mental health due to the anxiety of our new reality.

But also because we were stuck and for many months had not developed proper outlets for dealing with the stress of a global pandemic, not seeing loved ones but having to still operate and work every day of the week. For me mental health has always been at the forefront of everything that I do. As someone with a history of depression, and anxiety. I am well aware of the debilitating effects bad mental health can have on me. Which is why even though the pandemic started just after I had a baby. One thing I knew for sure was that i would have to be vigilant about my mental health. For me this meant going for walks when it was allowed with a mask every single day. Working out even for 15 minutes. And doing things that I love like cooking and watching my favorite TV shows and movies.

This was all good and well until I was hit with a wave of postpartum depression. something I had not prepared for and was not ready for. And despite my knowledge of depression, it still took me weeks and months to admit that I was actually depressed. I knew I had hit rock bottom, when even seeing my daughters gummy smile made me want to cry (and not happy tears). This was when i realized that I needed help and fast. As soon as I spoke to my husband and close friends about it, I was amazed at how supportive and understanding they were. Not only were they willing to step in when I simply couldn’t. But they didn’t judge me or make me feel like a bad person or worse, a bad mother.

Instead I felt supported, heard and understood which allowed the healing process to go by much quicker. And whilst I am still working on my mental health. One thing I know for sure is that in order to get help, one has to ask for it. And our communities, whether it be our partners, friends, family member’s or parents, need to be informed and equipped to help us. the same goes for us too. We too should educate ourselves so that if someone we love is depressed or has any mental health concerns we are able to act accordingly.

And whilst I know from experience that mental health is still a taboo subject in many homes and communities. I also can testify to the positive impact of being informed. And having those around you informed as well. One thing is for sure however and that is that mental health will always be an issue. In the age of social media, cultural and social expectations, and even television. We will always need to talk about it and stay informed. After all, it could be the difference between saving a life, or someone losing theirs.

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The year is 2021 and the world has been gripped by a global pandemic that has put most of the economy and the people in the world on stand still. Whilst this may sound like an introduction to a sci fi movie, it is anything but. With so much of our lives forever changed by Coronavirus, it’s difficult to see an end to it all. But despite feeling the inevitable COVID fatigue. There is not much we can do except wait it out. As I write this France has closed its borders to countries outside of the EU, Portugal and Spain have hardened their restrictions. And South Africa is still on curfew with an alcohol ban.

And whilst personally I would like nothing more than see an end to all this. I know we have about a year until things return to some sense of “normal”. So what do we do in the meantime to combat depression, anxiety and even loneliness with the ongoing global fatigue around COVID19? Here are some tips and tricks I have collected from around the web and have been trying myself.

1. Find beauty in the small things: Whilst this may sound naive and even silly amidst what is going on. Taking the time to appreciate the small victories is a must; Whether it’s the extra bit of time you get to spend in bed during the week instead of rushing to the office. Or the afternoon (socially distanced) stroll you take every day. what ever it is take in the moment for what it is and see the beauty in what you can still do instead of what you cannot.
2. Get a virtual therapist; I have gone to my fair share of therapists and have always found them to be useful. This is especially true now when the world has come to a literal standstill and most of us are faced with an unparalleled amount of stress, anxiety and uncertainty. Which is why seeking professional help is more important than ever. If you cannot afford a therapist then make use of the countless free mental health call lines and services in your country. After all, a 10 minute chat with someone is better than keeping it all in.
3. Have a party: Whilst I am not advocating for throwing parties with a million strangers. I am advocating for putting the music on a bit louder and dancing around your house. Pour yourself a glass of wine (or juice) and just let loose. I cannot tell you how many times I’ve done this to release some much needed tension.
4. Start a workout regiment: As a fan of a good sweat session. And one of those annoying people who has lost weight during confinement and the beginning of COVID, I can attest to the healing power of a good workout. Personally I like to make my goals small but still manageable. As a mom to a 10 month old this means fitting in no more than 30 minutes a day to move. Movement however doesn’t only have to be in the form of a workout. But can also be a walk with your quarantine crew.
5. Check in on yourself: Checking in on yourself should be a daily habit but for most of us it is the last thing we do. But now more than ever, checking in on your mental health is vital if not crucial. Keep a diary to see where you are mentally then take the appropriate steps to get emotional support you need.
6. Make time for self care: If there was a time for radical self care, that time is now. Run a nice bath and read your favorite book or even watch your favorite TV show. What ever it is. Try to stay away from the news or anything that is depressing on anxiety inducing.
7. Try meditation: Whilst I’ve personally often struggled with meditation. I know from friends who do it that it can be a big help in relieving stress and anxiety.
8. Call your loved ones: This one may seem obvious. But staying in touch with those nearest and dearest is vital at this time. Whether it’s for a quick chat or for an hour long zoom call.
9. Go tech free: One of the reasons so many of us feel anxious and stressed is because we are constantly looking at our phones and absorbing all the good the bad and the ugly thats happening in the world. So make some time to go cellphone and computer free. Instead use the time to bake, cook, or just spend time outside.
10. Pray: Recently I rediscovered the power of prayer. Nothing makes me feel less alone like a few moments of prayer.

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As a mom to a 9 month old, I often find myself making excuses for taking a break. The reality is as a working momma it often feels like there is not enough time to do it all. Especially as my daughter is in the clingy phase where she cries when ever I leave the room which makes me feel even guiltier for either working, or taking some much needed me time. With the holidays coming to an end I find myself not as rested as I had hoped I would be. And craving some much needed ME time. Truth be told, I need a bit more than a few hours but I will take any minute or hour I can get at this point.

Whilst talking to a friend who is also a new mom, it became clear that what I was experiencing was not unique to me. Nor was it something uncommon. As mothers and even parents, we want to do all that we can to make our children happy. Which can often mean putting ourselves last. Well no more.

After realizing that I am in-fact completely burnt out and exhausted. I have decided to take some much needed me time this coming week with a full spa day. Whilst this is in no way a quick fix to my burn out problem, it is a stepping stone. One that I plan to use as a guide and reminder to take care of myself. Because whilst I may want to always be hands on and there for my daughter. The best and most effective way to do so, is to ensure I am taking care of myself first.

Here are some ways I am planning on dealing with burnout in the new year;

1. Have a monthly me day where I assign all responsibility to my partner so I can sleep, go to the spa, or just netflix and chill. I would also give my partner a day to do what he wants knowing I am taking care of our daughter.
2. Work in a separate room to reduce mom guilt: As a mom working from home, it can be difficult to hear my little one cry. Which is why I am planning on being as far away from my daughter when I need to work or rest and playing some music. Knowing full well that she is safe and cared for whilst I work and take care of myself.
3. After a day of working and phone calls, it can be hard to switch off. But putting my phone down and focusing on my daughter is one way to ensure that when we are together she has my attention. This also reduces the anxiety I feel when I cannot be around her as I know I have given her all I can.
4. Remind myself that being a good parent also includes being a working parent. Whilst being a stay at home mom is ideal for some. For me, working is one way I destress and stay creative. Which is important in order for me to feel fulfilled. And when I feel fulfilled I am able to give more of myself.

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Living in rural areas or underdeveloped remote areas, one’s quality of life is highly affected compared to those who live in urbanized and developed areas. For women, who have just given birth for the first time (or the 9th time), it is difficult and in some rural areas, close to impossible to receive postnatal care and support needed to effectively care for both the infant and the mother. The effects of this lack of support, information, and care consequently lead to conditions such as postpartum depression going unnoticed and untreated.

I have a friend who gave birth to a beautiful baby girl three months ago and she called me shaking from anxiety and panic because she accidentally dropped her baby while holding her. She kept telling me how she felt like she was careless and not a good mother. Caring for a baby is not as easy as it might seem. There are so many questions one can ask. Questions like; Is the baby still okay? Am I feeding him/her enough? Am I doing things the right way? Am I even ready for this? It can be overwhelming and difficult.

What is meant by postpartum depression?

Although the birth of a child is considered a blessing and can bring joy and excitement. It can also, on many occasions aggravate overwhelming emotions of fear, guilty and anxiety. When a woman who has just given birth experiences symptoms of deep sadness, exhaustion, and feeling anxious in such a way that they obstruct the normal daily functioning of the mother (such as caring for themselves and the baby), it is referred to as a postpartum depression.

For some moms, the mild sadness, crying and stress may last for a few weeks. Or come and go like my friend’s symptoms. But for others, it is a battle that may affect them for an extended period. It is important to differentiate between postpartum depression that needs medical intervention and “baby blues”.  Baby blues refers to sadness due to lack of sleep, tiredness, and general anxiety that happens with most new mothers as they adjust to their new reality. Unlike postpartum depression however, the baby blues only last 1 to 2 weeks after birth. Whereas postpartum depression often lasts longer. And the symptoms are much worse. 

What are the risk factors?

Besides poverty or lack of social and/or healthcare support, which I mentioned earlier. Other contributing factors to this ailment include a history of depression before pregnancy or during the period of pregnancy, poor relationship with a partner, single marital status, pregnancy complications, low self-esteem, and low socioeconomic status.

Is postpartum depression preventable?

Like every other mental illness, you can reduce the risk of having postpartum depression by eliminating the risk factors. For example, preparing yourself (mentally and physically) for pregnancy and childbirth by seeking help and assistance can ease fear and anxiety.

Ask questions about anything and everything. Even if it may sound stupid or insignificant. Always find ways to educate yourself (using trusted sources). Exercising, getting sufficient sleep whenever possible, and eating nutritious food will help your body keep healthy and retain your confidence.

Treatment

Unlike Baby blues or postpartum blues that only need reassurance or talking therapy.  Postpartum depression is a serious disorder and needs medical intervention. In most severe cases, affected mothers require hospitalization as part of the treatment and/or therapy.

What to do if you recognize the signs and symptoms of postpartum depression in yourself or someone close to you?

One of the contributing factors to postpartum depression is lack of support. Therefore, the first thing you would want to do is to assure the mother that you are there for her. While doing so, just like any other mental health disorder, be careful not to use a judgmental tone or to draw conclusions or to diagnose her. Some of the recommended ways to support the affected mother who has postpartum depression as outlined by Lisa Coxon are:

• Make it about her not the baby.
• Stop trying to solve her problems.
• Offer to go to the doctor’s appointments with her.
• Don’t ask what you can do, just do it if you can and where you see the need.
• Celebrate her success. Even small ones.

Endnote

Bringing a human being into the world alone is a big victory.  You should already be proud of yourself. Also remember that as familydoctor.org points out “your body has just done one of the most remarkable things it will ever do: grow another human being. After 9 months of waiting, you are probably excited to finally be home with your new baby. Much of your focus and energy during the coming weeks and months will be on the baby but remember that you also need to take care of yourself, too”.

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Since becoming a new mom, I feel like all I do is worry. Worry about showing up for my daughter in the way that she needs. Worrying about staying on top of work commitments and even being a good wife and friend. Which is why I often found myself burnt out, tired and anxious. Because the reality is that no matter how hard I tried, something would often get lost or left for last, and that thing was often me. Whilst I have always loved a good workout, I saw it more as a way to lose weight rather than a way to deal with anxiety. And while I did find that working out made me happier. I almost always focused on the physical results.

But then a month ago, I decided to start working out again after not doing so for a year. My mission was simple; I was going to workout for my mental health. Whilst I did have some weight to lose after giving birth. That was not my main priority. Instead, I told myself that if I could show up for myself every single day and workout (even for 20 minutes) I would have done something right. This new mindset gave me a new goal to look to. One that didn’t care too much if I had the sweatiest workout, or if I was burning the most calories. Instead, I focused on rolling my yoga mat out and starting my app up for any number of workouts for that day.

And because weight loss was not my main priority, I dabbled in all kinds of workouts from high interval, to yoga and even simple stretches. This time I carved out made me feel like I was taking care of myself and filling my cup. Something I had failed to do for a while now. Since then, not only has my body changed. But my mind too. I also had some unexpected side effects that I never really thought about before but which I am loving now. Here are some of the benefits I have found from doing physical activity everyday.

1. Increased fitness: This is a given, but I see how much my body has changed. Even more than it had before when I was working out. In part, I think because I often did modifications of moves I found hard and really focused on being present in my workouts. This also meant sometimes doing less reps but doing quality workouts.
2. Increased libido: After having a baby I was sure I would never be able to have sex again. Not only was I exhausted but I didn’t feel sexy or have a sex drive. Which is why I was pleasantly surprised by how much my libido has increased in the past couple of weeks.
3. More energy: Whilst no new mother will ever tell you they sleep enough. I do find that my energy and focus is much better now that I move my body everyday.
4. Better sleep: Whilst I may not be clocking in 8 hours a night, I do find that the quality of my sleep is getting better.
5. Drinking more water: As someone who struggles to get the recommended 8 glasses, I find that when I move my body every day, I can drink a ton of water. Not only during workouts but afterwards as well.

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