You wake up, not because you want to, but because the light creeping through the curtains demands it. The weight of the night clings to you like a suffocating blanket, leaving you paralyzed, unable to shake the darkness that’s been following you for so long. You lie there, staring at the ceiling, wishing for something, anything, to make it stop. But nothing does. It never does.

The mirror shows you something you don’t recognize anymore. The person staring back seems like a stranger, someone far removed from who you thought you were. There’s a hollow emptiness in your chest, a gnawing ache that won’t go away no matter how many times you tell yourself that you should be better, should be more, should be worthy of love. But you’re not. So tears run down your chicks like a silent stream in the dark valley. You can’t even remember the last time you felt like you deserved anything good. You’ve made too many mistakes. You’ve hurt the one person ever close to you and so it feels like you’ve hurt the entire world. And that’s all you can see now; the wreckage of your choices, the face of those you’ve let down, and the unforgivable things you’ve said and done.

You can hear their voices, even now. The echoes of their disappointment, their anger, frustration, and their sadness. Like the boomerang, no matter how far you keep throwing them away, they always find their way back to haunt you, follow you like shadows that grow longer with each passing day. You try to silence them, but they only get louder. You wonder if they’re right. Maybe you’re just a failure, destined to disappoint. Maybe everyone was right to walk away. Maybe you’ve always been unworthy of the things you wanted… of the love they had to offer.

There are moments when you think back to the times you’ve had the brief glimpses of happiness, and you wonder why they couldn’t have lasted. Why did you let them slip through your fingers, why did you sabotage every good thing that ever came your way? You realize you are to blame for it all, that you’ve got to account for it all, and that no reason under the earth is going to make it make sense or justify it all; it was just pure evil. And so you feel so small. So invisible. You wonder why you even bother to keep going, why you haven’t just given in to the numbness that calls to you, that promises peace in the silence.

And yet, you still breathe; heavy breaths, as though from collapsed lungs and a slow beating heart. Even though you don’t think you deserve it, even though every breath feels like a burden. You can’t seem to stop yourself from waking up each day, from dragging yourself through the motions. It’s as if something deep inside of you, buried beneath the layers of shame and sorrow, refuses to let go. Maybe it’s hope, or maybe it’s just fear, fear of truly giving up.

You don’t know how much longer you can keep going like this. It’s hard to imagine a world where you find peace with yourself, where you can look in the mirror without feeling like you’re staring at a ghost. But somewhere, in the deepest part of you, there’s a tiny, fragile whisper. A part of you that still believes it’s possible to be more than this, to find redemption, to somehow

Be worthy again. You don’t know if you’ll ever reach that place, or if you even deserve to. But it’s there, and for now, that’s enough.

And so, you continue. Even though you don’t believe you’re worthy. Even though you feel the weight of regret like a heavy chain around your neck and feet. You keep going. Because, somewhere deep inside, there’s a small part of you that refuses to give up completely. Maybe that’s all you need to hold on to, for now.

By- Azwi-Hilton

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