It all started when I was sexually abused when I was 11 years old I am 28 years old and the firstborn in a family of 5. My life has always been a mystery. It started when I was 11 years old when my late uncle sexually abused me. My Mum brought her young brother with us. At the time, we lived in a two room house. I was sleeping with my uncle in the living room. We never had a bed, but we used sofa cushions as a bed, so my little brother, uncle, and I slept together using the same blankets. Poor culture and ignorance, correct?

My uncle could take advantage of me in the night by playing with my private parts and rubbing his penis on me. I couldn’t say anything. I kept quiet because he threatened that he would beat me when Mum left the house. I was so angry and lost concentration on myself and at school. One day, I refused to sleep in the sitting room and insisted that I sleep with Mum. My Mum asked me why, but I couldn’t say. She refused as she thought I was childishly seeking attention. The next day after school, I went to my grandma’s place and didn’t return home.

While I was staying at my grandma’s place, my cousin and I were sent to get something from granny’s brother, who is far from her place. As we walked, we came across this man who said he knew me through a relative, although I didn’t know him. He greeted me and asked me about a relative, which made me trust that he knew me. He offered to escort my cousin and me, and we accepted. He suggested that my cousin go alone, and I would join her later as he needed help with something. Because I was young and naive, I agreed. I kept asking him where we were going. He kept saying Tifika manje manje (we will get there soon). Soon, we arrived at this unfinished house. He told me he wanted to pee and that I should wait for him by the door, which I did. He showed me a pack of biscuits and told me to take some. As I reached out to take one, he grabbed my hand and showed me a screwdriver, threatening to kill me if I screamed. The man had everything planned. I was raped mercilessly. I couldn’t scream. He took me back to where I had left my cousin with a biscuit in my hand. I was only 11. I was terrified because I had never gone through anything like that, and it shut me down. I never said a word to anyone until now.

Fast forward to when I was 15years old, my neighbour raped me. He was older than me; I think he was 25 by then, and he called me to go and play chess with him. We sat outside, and then he suggested we go inside as it was sunny. He was alone in the house. We went inside, and he locked the door, pulled me to the bedroom and took advantage of me. Afterwards, he released me as if nothing had happened and threatened to beat me if I opened my mouth.In 2014, I got into a relationship with a guy. Because of the bad experiences I had had with sex, I could not have sex with him. He cheated on me with another girl and got her pregnant. It was okay for me as I despised sex. He told me that he didn’t want to continue with an ugly girl like me and that I embarrassed him in front of his friends. I let him go. This became a trend for some time, that guys, to a total number of 6, left me because of not having sex with them. I told myself not to date again and to concentrate on school.

In 2016, I finished school and decided to take up a job opening at one of the companies in the industrial area (Halla Industries). I met an older woman who became my friend. We went to work together and left the premises together. Her boyfriend was a soldier. One day, he came to pick her up from work to visit his farm in Kafue. My friend asked me to join them. It was a Saturday, and we arrived in Kafue around 3 pm. We started our journey home at about 6 pm and reached Lusaka at around 8 pm.

The man suggested that he drop his girlfriend first and me later. The girl insisted that he drop me first, but he refused. I was terrified because I knew something terrible was going to happen. He stopped to buy beer and cigarettes. When he returned, he asked me to sit in front of the car. I did. While driving, he started touching me. He drove to an abandoned place, stopped his car, dropped his car seats, removed my pants, and for two hours raped me recklessly. I couldn’t scream. He had a gun and told me that he was going to shoot me if I screamed. I just wanted to die as he did whatever he would have wanted to do with a woman.

Finally, he decided to take me home, and when we reached my place, he raped me again before releasing me. He gave me k20 for a morning-after pill and warned me not to tell his girlfriend. Pointing a gun at me, he said if I did, he would shoot me and my entire family. After this, I completely lost all sense of myself and any feelings of self-love. I hated myself and slept with any guy I called my boyfriend. In 2018, I was 22 and I met a guy who wanted to marry me. We had unprotected sex on several occasions, but to our surprise, I couldn’t fall pregnant. He said he was only going to marry me if I had a child with him. Unfortunately, I couldn’t fall pregnant. I figured my womb was disfigured because of an early exposure to sex. I went to the hospital, explained everything, did tests, and discovered that my intuition was correct. My womb was damaged. They suggested its removal, but I refused. Upon knowing that, the man fled.

In 2022, I met this angel of a man on an online dating site. He was gentle, God-fearing, loyal, caring, honest and all those things that describe a good man. I told him everything that had happened to me in the past and my condition of childbearing. Guess what? He didn’t care about that. He took me as I was, advised, prayed for me, and told me he would do anything to make me happy. He took me to a private hospital for check-ups, and he was only a student at CBU. It was like sunrise for me. I was so thankful to God that finally, he had wiped my tears away, not knowing what was ahead of me.

In November last year, he became ill and was taken to hospital; I went there to nurse him. They operated successfully, and he stayed in the ICU for three days and then succumbed to appendicitis. It has been 5months since he died. I feel useless. I don’t know what to think or do. I cry every night and day, asking God why it should always be me. Still, people from church and my late man’s relatives came on board, providing counselling, Prayers and words of encouragement. It has helped, but I have not recovered. Losing a loved one is so painful. This is my story.

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When people died, I used to think it was not that serious. I don’t know why… maybe it was because they were not close to me. Then my brother died, and that’s when it hit me – how precious life is. The thought of never seeing him again and of him never coming back to life… How I was never going to talk to him again was what brought me greater pain. It took time for it to sink in,  and even when I finally accepted it, I couldn’t believe that someone who held the most important place in my heart was gone and I would never see him again. It hurt so much because when he died, I was just a little girl, so every day, I would look at his pictures and say, “bro it’s been long since you left. When are you coming back? I miss you.” The fact that we shared the same birthday hurts me even more. I would say, “until you come back, I will not celebrate my birthday.” The feeling is unbearable, and it has made me realise that as a person, you don’t always decide where life takes you; therefore, you must embrace it with every chance you get.

Written by Patience Phiri

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Whilst the holiday season is meant to be a time of joy, family and gifts. It can also be triggering for many people and bring about bouts of anxiety, depression and feeling lonely. As someone who lost both her parents at an early age. I know too well how difficult this time of year can be.; especially as so many people post and share pictures of themselves with loved ones. Thankfully that pain that I felt for many years over the holiday season has been made better by having my own family.

This however does not mean that even as I look on at my daughter playing. Or get to spend the holiday season with my husband and his family. That I do not feel somewhat alone. This is why I like to apply some techniques I have learnt and used for many years to help me cope with this time of the year. And I hope that they help you too.

The first thing I like to do is spend some time honouring my parents. I like to do this by saying a little prayer, looking at pictures of them or even eating, drinking or watching things that they enjoyed. This helps to remind me of the good times we had together. And helps me feel like in some way they are with me.

The second thing I like to do is to talk to my sisters with whom I shared parents too. Knowing that she too may be feeling the same way I am, and also reminding myself that whilst I may have lost my parents, I do have my sisters. It is not a cure-all and not possible for everyone. But I find that the connection, laughs and memories help remind me that I am not alone.

Lastly, I like to up my self-care routine and take time for myself. Some of the many ways I like to practice self-care is watching movies, reading, going for walks and giving myself facials. I also ensure not to drink like a fish to deal with my emotions as I have in the past, as I have come to realize that whilst drinking may provide some temporary release and relief. It does little to deal with the actual problem.

What are some tools or techniques you like to use to deal with anxiety and loneliness during the holiday season?

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If the past year and a half has taught us, it is that there is a lot of pain going around. With COVID, it feels like that pain is amplified and perhaps easier to see; From the reporting of COVID deaths, to news coverage of killings of people or color, asian hate and so much more, it can feel exhausting. But beyond the actual pain and grief we feel from having a loved one pass away. There is also the grief of losing something during COVID. Whilst most people associate grief with death, it is also an emotion that can be felt when something is lost.

Whether that is a friendship, a job, a feeling, a love, or anything else that you once had but no longer have. All these things can make anyone feel lost, confused and out of sorts. So how do you help someone dealing with grief? Whilst I would love to say there is one tried and true method. That would be a lie. Mainly because grief shows itself in so many different ways that sometimes its even hard to put your finger on it. But once you do it does become a bit easier to help someone through it. Before I share my tips and tools for dealing with grief, I thought I’d share some known signs and symptoms of it.

• Irritability
• Numbness
• Lack of motivation
• Bitterness
• Constantly in their head
• Inability to show or experience joy
• Sadness
• Agression

It is important to note that is with most things, grief has many ways of showing itself. And sometimes you just need to keep your eyes open to any changes to those around you to see if they are indeed grieving. With that being said, here are some tools to help either yourself or a loved one who is dealing with grief.

1. Talk it out: Whilst this may be the last thing you want. Often talking about what is bothering you or on your mind can be a big help. It does not need to be a therapist or professional. But naming the thing that is making you sad can have a huge positive effects on your mental and emotional health.
2. Go back to basics: Whilst doing the bare minimal may seem impossible when you are grieving. Finding ways to do the basics is important. For me when ever I find myself grieving, I try do three things that are the basics of my overall health. Things like working out, taking a shower and eating. Usually these three don’t take up much time and also mean that if I need to, I ca, climb back into bed. Or watch TV.
3. Give yourself time: Like any emotion. Grief is not something you can run away from or wish away. So give yourself time to feel it. It’s only in giving yourself time to feel it and go through it that you can grow through it.

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