I want to share a story about how having a strict African mother saved me. I am a girl child in a family of 8, including my single mom. My father passed away when I was just a few months old. Being the youngest girl, my four older brothers acted like step-in dads. Though it felt suffocating and like a burden when they looked after me as a child, they actually saved me from a lot, even from troubles I never saw coming. The same goes for my mom. I didn’t like how strict she was when I was a child, but looking back, I realize how blessed I was (and still am) to have a caring and loving family like this- willing to do whatever it takes to make sure I am respectful, obedient and most of all, safe at all times.

Speaking of strict parents, it’s strange how our world has changed so suddenly, and it seems like there’s nothing anyone can do about it. In the past, I used to criticize the education system for the most part, but now it seems like we are all moving blindly without a clue of where we are going from all angles of our lives. It’s as if from birth, children are already set to do or be a certain way. Being normal or traditional is the new abnormal – especially when it comes to parenting. If you don’t fit in or conform, you are the odd one out. And with this level of imposed expectations, those who do not conform to these standards often feel like they are on the outside looking in.

Nowadays, you can get canceled, arrested, bullied, etc., by the entire world for trying to discipline your own child the way your parents raised you, the only way you know how (which, of course, was very normal in our generation). ‘I am pretty sure some of you read that last sentence and immediately say “yes, you are right YOUR GENERATION”. And that’s old fashion right, outdated… who does that…? These are the comments we hear. Don’t get me wrong, there are some levels of strictness that are uncalled for and deserve to be dealt with accordingly, but the ones I experienced were necessary and have taught me a lot of life lessons I will never get anywhere else.

Anyway, all this came about as I was doing some introspection about my life and I felt a surge of gratitude and thought I should share it here. I know for sure that if it weren’t for the lessons and discipline that my mom and big brothers instilled in me, I wouldn’t be where I am today.

Who else is grateful that they had strict parents when they were growing up?

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I am constantly wondering what I am doing, plus the anxiety that comes with motherhood doesn’t help. So, that day, when my toddler held my mirror, and it slipped through his tiny little hands, shattering into a thousand pieces, you can guess that I was so upset. I wanted to scream at him because why would he be so reckless? It wasn’t the first, second or third time he had broken things. Did he never learn? So, while I was trying really hard to catch my breath, he was just standing there with worried eyes and the broken pieces around his feet. Then he said, “it’s okay…” I was not sure if that was a question, or a statement, but it was so innocent, and when I looked at him, I saw my little boy, who I was trying to do my best with. And I felt proud that he knew it was okay. So, I held him on my lap, kissed his little hands and nodded, “yes baby it’s okay!”. Because I made sure to teach him that it was okay to make mistakes, that it was okay that things would slip off sometimes, and that I would always have my hands open whenever it was not okay. So, I may have yet to figure out everything, but maybe I am actually doing a good job at raising my little boy so that he can become a good man in the future.

Written by Mercy Wanja

Facbook: WanjWanja Mercy

Instagram: wanjamercy_ke 

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I cannot deny that being a parent has its moments, for me however, if compared to my marriage, parenting seems slightly easier to manage. As far as one can judge, my husband and I are two rather different people. He is a white man from the French countryside, I am a black woman from a South African township. He grew up in a world where violence, pain, suffering and even death only existed in movies and on the news, while, for me, these were traumas that I regularly had to deal with. But please don’t get me wrong, my life was not all doom and gloom, in fact, it is my painful past that made me more resilient to life’s challenges and elevated my sense of gratitude. But let’s not deviate too much; let’s bring the focus back to my marriage. 

Like I said, my husband and I are very different and we’ve had separate life experiences. However, regardless of our differences, our core values continuously bring us together. These values range from respect for all humans, a love for adventure, values with regards to food and music, to values regarding the general curiosity about the world, and most importantly, values embedded in the fact that we are both extremely family oriented. I recently discovered that my marriage put all these values to the test. For me, this test was unquestionably evident during the brunt of the COVID 19 pandemic. Yes, both my husband and I are eternally grateful that we managed to keep our jobs when job insecurity was commonplace for most people, and yes, we are even more grateful that we were able to buy a second home. However, our jobs as well as other ‘priorities’ led to the neglect of our own personal wellbeing, and even the wellbeing of our marriage. It seemed like our marriage became secondary. 

Realising that our marriage needed some attention was not an easy pill to swallow. But I can say that I am happy we came to this realisation and that we are both working through it day by day. Furthermore, this realisation meant getting a nanny so we can both go out TOGETHER, instead of taking turns to look after our daughter, it also meant spending nights watching shows we both love, instead of being glued to two different screens. These are just some of the many examples of how we are slowly and continuously removing the “secondary” status that has been attached to our marriage. 

It is important to understand that the COVID 19 pandemic not only highlighted that we are all living in unprecedented times, but also proved to have affected millions of people in one way or the other. For me, I try to remind myself of this everyday: “Forgive yourself for the things you did when you were trying to survive”. And that’s just it I guess? Yes, the pandemic tested our core values as husband and wife, but it also showed that we were both simply trying to survive. We were both trying to be parents, and employees, and homeowners, and COVID free and, and, and…. the list goes on. So while we may have lost ourselves, and allowed our values to be tested, we also acknowledged our challenges and entered into a new season of growth in pursuit of a fuller and a more balanced life.

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Growing up in a country where most of my friends, including myself were raised by single parents. Most of my friends and I had to deal with daddy issues. Daddy issues are described as unconscious reactions and actions due to the lack of a father figure in ones life. Or having a father figure that is not emotional or otherwise present for you. Over the years this term has also been used to describe a number of issues that young women face in response to being raised without a father or an absent father. However, as a “condition” and coping mechanism, daddy issues are much more complex than most people make them out to be.

Whilst we would all love to be raised by two loving parents. The case is quite different for many young women and men around the world. And whilst the lack of a father figure can have long term effects on both men and women. For the sake of this article I will focus primarily on daddy issues within women.

What are daddy issues

As I previously described, the term daddy issues refers to issues that arise from not having a male parental figure in ones life. In the case of young women, this can lead to seeking out this kind of parental father figure in other areas of their lives. This can be either through other older men they encounter in their lives, boyfriends, teachers or even family friends. And whilst this may seem harmless. This need for affection, praise  and love can lead to many young women’s vulnerable emotional states being used against them.

This means that when attaching the father figure to someone who is not the father. Sometimes, said person can take advantage of the situation to manipulate you instead of nurture as a father figure would. Which is why it is important to be aware of any underlying issues from not having a father figure in ones life. But in order to better understand daddy issues. One must first understand that everyones reactions to not having a father figure can manifest in a variety of ways.

Common responses to not having a good relationship with the father figure in your life

Healthline describes 3 common responses to not having secure attachment to a father figure. These are;

• Anxious-preoccupied. People with this attachment type may be anxious, crave closeness, but feel insecure about their partner leaving them.
• Dismissive-avoidant. People with this type may have trouble trusting others for fear that they’ll be hurt.
• Fearful-avoidant. People with this type may feel unsure about intimacy and tend to run away from experiencing difficult feelings.

In some cases one can have one or all of the above responses. Or rather can go through phases of experiencing one after the other. Which can lead to dysfunctional male-female relationships.

How do you know if you have daddy issues

One sure fire way of knowing if you have daddy issues is if you keep ending up in relationships that bring up childhood trauma. Wether it’s abandonment or not feeling loved or wanted. Seeing this type of pattern can help you deal with the real issue so as to not repeat it again. So if you grew up with an absent father, or without a father at all then it may be time to take stock of your relationships. Start by looking at all past relationships and see if there are any common threads to them. If there are, then it may be time to speak to someone to resolve any childhood trauma and reactions so that you can better manage your actions and reactions of not having a father figure.

This can be done by seeking out professional help through a therapist. Or if your father is alive and around, sharing some of the negative effects your relationship has had on you. If he is not willing to listen, it is important to remember that although he is a parent and should nurture, love and support you. He is also human, and thus may be living out his own childhood trauma and daddy issues through you and your relationship. And that whilst you cannot and should not try to change another person. You can change yourself.

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