I almost prefaced this article by saying “I love my child”. It seems normal for women of all ages and creeds to apologize for wanting more freedom. Which is why before we say anything that may be seen as “unmotherly”, we start the conversation with “I love my child but…”. And I guess I am no different. I love being a mom. And although barely two years old. My daughter is one of my favorite people to hang out with. However as someone who works from home I am often left with the task of picking up the pieces, entertaining our daughter and just overall home stuff when my husbands work calls. Which, if I am being honest, of the time is A LOT.

This means that even though I have high aspirations for my work and job. I am often left doing just what is required (if that) and having to be content with that. Here’s the thing though. I love my job. I love writing, dissecting women’s lived experiences and creating. Because whilst motherhood is a big part of my identity, so is self sufficiency and work. And beyond that I have dreams and things that I want to do which given my current financial standing and that of my husband are difficult. Not because we don’t have anything but because for instance I would like more. More life. More travel, more good wine, and more property (I have dreams of buying and renovating properties). Something that given the income and time, I would do in a heart beat. However life often calls.

From house chores, to being the obvious choice for late night wakings when our daughter is sick, unhappy or just decides she wants to play at 3am. Or in my current situation, when she is on school holidays and someone needs to take care of her. This all leads to a very full and tiring plate. Especially when friends and family alike do not see how stretched I am. Because in their minds only my husbands work is of value as he is the big earner. But as I sit and watch him work while I try to type while taking care of our toddler. I just can’t help but think how much more I could do with my work and in my career if given the opportunity to work and focus solely on my work like he does and can without judgment. Knowing full well that my child is safe, loved and taken care of.

It is indeed a question I think many women ask themselves. Perhaps even those who work in offices but are still somehow the primary EVERYTHING. It is a lot, it is tiring and it is often thankless and overlooked. And even though on a ranking of present and active partners, my husband ranks high. In comparison (although I hate comparing), I do actually do waaaaay more. And this is also in part my own doing. As I also see his job as more important and sacrifice myself and my well being so that he can work. So whilst to the outside world I live a charmed life not having office hours or colleagues I do’t like. There is so much more to it than meets the eye. And I am realizing that something has got to change. what exactly? I al not sure, but something for sure.

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As a mom to a 9 month old, I often find myself making excuses for taking a break. The reality is as a working momma it often feels like there is not enough time to do it all. Especially as my daughter is in the clingy phase where she cries when ever I leave the room which makes me feel even guiltier for either working, or taking some much needed me time. With the holidays coming to an end I find myself not as rested as I had hoped I would be. And craving some much needed ME time. Truth be told, I need a bit more than a few hours but I will take any minute or hour I can get at this point.

Whilst talking to a friend who is also a new mom, it became clear that what I was experiencing was not unique to me. Nor was it something uncommon. As mothers and even parents, we want to do all that we can to make our children happy. Which can often mean putting ourselves last. Well no more.

After realizing that I am in-fact completely burnt out and exhausted. I have decided to take some much needed me time this coming week with a full spa day. Whilst this is in no way a quick fix to my burn out problem, it is a stepping stone. One that I plan to use as a guide and reminder to take care of myself. Because whilst I may want to always be hands on and there for my daughter. The best and most effective way to do so, is to ensure I am taking care of myself first.

Here are some ways I am planning on dealing with burnout in the new year;

1. Have a monthly me day where I assign all responsibility to my partner so I can sleep, go to the spa, or just netflix and chill. I would also give my partner a day to do what he wants knowing I am taking care of our daughter.
2. Work in a separate room to reduce mom guilt: As a mom working from home, it can be difficult to hear my little one cry. Which is why I am planning on being as far away from my daughter when I need to work or rest and playing some music. Knowing full well that she is safe and cared for whilst I work and take care of myself.
3. After a day of working and phone calls, it can be hard to switch off. But putting my phone down and focusing on my daughter is one way to ensure that when we are together she has my attention. This also reduces the anxiety I feel when I cannot be around her as I know I have given her all I can.
4. Remind myself that being a good parent also includes being a working parent. Whilst being a stay at home mom is ideal for some. For me, working is one way I destress and stay creative. Which is important in order for me to feel fulfilled. And when I feel fulfilled I am able to give more of myself.

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If there is one thing I didn’t see coming, was how challenging marriage would be after having a baby. After years of being just the two of us, I never really put much thought into what life and marriage would look like with three of us instead of two. So much changes when you have a tiny human to take care of. The first few months can be brutal and beautiful in equal parts. With very little sleep, fuses running short and confinement, I am still grateful that my husband and I still like each other let alone love each other. In part because marriage is hard to begin with. But also because, after this year and the many challenges we faced with a new baby during confinement, things were very difficult at times. If I have learn’t one thing from our experience however, is that people change.

This can be both a good thing and a bad thing. After having our daughter both my husband and I changed in different ways. For me, that change saw me neglect myself often to accommodate our daughters needs. Whilst I had expected this to be the case, what I didn’t expect is what this would mean for my marriage. After weeks of feeling run down, unhappy and even depressed, I realized that what I needed from my husband had changed. Which is why it was a big relief when one night (after baby had gone to sleep) we sat down and reevaluated our marriage. Something I am beginning to think we should be doing every few years. By so doing we were able to talk about what our new needs were from each other as parents.

By this, I don’t mean dividing chores or deciding who wakes up to feed baby at night. But instead what it is that we need from each other as husband and wife. This can mean more words of encouragement in general. Or as I came to realize more romance. Whilst my husband has never really been the super romantic type. I didn’t mind it much before we had a baby. Mainly because if I wanted to do something I did it. If I wanted to book a massage, I would do that, or if I wanted to eat, I would just do it. Seems small and maybe not all that romantic. But to me these basics had gone out the window. Because not only do I spend my “free” time working or catching up on sleep.

But also because on my long list of things to do, I often put myself last (something I am working on). Which is why I had to ask my husband to pick up the slack. This can be in small ways like running me a bath after a long day. Or booking that massage for me that I have been talking about, or even breakfast in bed. Because whilst seemingly small, they make me feel seen. And as any mom will attest, being a mother sometimes feels like you and your needs vanish. Which is why it is nice to have someone take care of you every once in a while.

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