If there is one thing I didn’t see coming, was how challenging marriage would be after having a baby. After years of being just the two of us, I never really put much thought into what life and marriage would look like with three of us instead of two. So much changes when you have a tiny human to take care of. The first few months can be brutal and beautiful in equal parts. With very little sleep, fuses running short and confinement, I am still grateful that my husband and I still like each other let alone love each other. In part because marriage is hard to begin with. But also because, after this year and the many challenges we faced with a new baby during confinement, things were very difficult at times. If I have learn’t one thing from our experience however, is that people change.
This can be both a good thing and a bad thing. After having our daughter both my husband and I changed in different ways. For me, that change saw me neglect myself often to accommodate our daughters needs. Whilst I had expected this to be the case, what I didn’t expect is what this would mean for my marriage. After weeks of feeling run down, unhappy and even depressed, I realized that what I needed from my husband had changed. Which is why it was a big relief when one night (after baby had gone to sleep) we sat down and reevaluated our marriage. Something I am beginning to think we should be doing every few years. By so doing we were able to talk about what our new needs were from each other as parents.
By this, I don’t mean dividing chores or deciding who wakes up to feed baby at night. But instead what it is that we need from each other as husband and wife. This can mean more words of encouragement in general. Or as I came to realize more romance. Whilst my husband has never really been the super romantic type. I didn’t mind it much before we had a baby. Mainly because if I wanted to do something I did it. If I wanted to book a massage, I would do that, or if I wanted to eat, I would just do it. Seems small and maybe not all that romantic. But to me these basics had gone out the window. Because not only do I spend my “free” time working or catching up on sleep.
But also because on my long list of things to do, I often put myself last (something I am working on). Which is why I had to ask my husband to pick up the slack. This can be in small ways like running me a bath after a long day. Or booking that massage for me that I have been talking about, or even breakfast in bed. Because whilst seemingly small, they make me feel seen. And as any mom will attest, being a mother sometimes feels like you and your needs vanish. Which is why it is nice to have someone take care of you every once in a while.