Written by: Admin_SheEvo
Nothing hurts more than doing something that you know it’s not good for yourself or others and not even understanding why you are doing it. When I started cutting myself, I knew I didn’t want to die. Having been born and raised in a Christian home, these thoughts – which became actions – made me feel like I was somehow possessed. I was confused and with confusion, I continued hurting myself even more.
The main reason I did not understand why I could even think of inflicting pain on myself was: that I had hopes and dreams; I had a great life with a wonderful family; and a partner who loved me dearly. My career was also doing great. In other words, there was no explanation for all the violent emotions, and desire to hurt myself. In situations like this, it is even more difficult because you can’t even talk about it with anyone. It is embarrassing and you don’t even know how someone else might receive it. I did not understand it myself, how can I make someone else understand… The best way to go about it was to keep it to myself, pray about it and hope that one day it’ll all be gone.
In 2013, my partner, who is now my husband and father to our two daughters, noticed razer marks on the side of my right thing during one of our intimate moments. I was always careful but I guess it was about time that God had a plan for my life. When he found out and started questioning what happened to me, I told him it was an accident and nothing more. However, the precision of the lines deep down in my flesh did not seem like an accident, so he insisted that I tell him the truth.
Later, I realized that I needed help and that’s when I went to my GP who later referred me to a psychologist. I was later diagnosed with severe anxiety disorder, major depressive disorder and posttraumatic stress disorder. Although it was (and still is) not an easy journey to battle with mental health disorders as a black woman, knowing what is wrong with me makes it a little bit easier to navigate through. My therapist has helped explain to me why I might be feeling a certain way and why I might be trying to inflict pain on myself and for the most part, it made so much sense.
I am a 31-year-old mom of two now. Life has not been easy but it has been better ever since I started seeking help. If there is anything I can advise someone who has a problem with self-harm, is that there is help out there, you just need to take the initiative and go look for it. Find someone you can trust and open up to them. You don’t have to walk this journey by yourself. You are not alone.
Dana
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