Written by: Admin_SheEvo

I groaned in my torrid feeling as my stomach felt like it was going to explode at any point in time.

‘For what reason would I have opted for this?’ –this was the thought in my head as I kept on fighting the pain inside.

It was late night, and as I lay on the three-seater velvet chair in our living room, my friend was with me. As she was seen panting at the state I was in, her actions explained to me that she felt regretful about the whole thing.

“I hope I haven’t done anything wrong like this.” This was a statement she made as she was trying her best to reduce my pain by patting my stomach with a towel dipped in hot water. A statement she made in Yoruba, though.

Well, it was normal for her to feel that way. It was I who called for her help.

I regretted my decisions at that moment.

‘Why?’

‘Why did I live such a life? Why didn’t I listen to mom or to all the sermons I’ve been hearing?’

‘Why did I let my teenage emotions get the best of me?’

These were the questions I couldn’t voice out due to how tense the stomach ache was.

Little Sis wasn’t home; Mom wasn’t either; she’d traveled out of Nigeria as of then. And yeah, Dad wasn’t with us; he’s been separated from mom for a long time.

It was just me and my friend. I made sure to fight my pain so well that even my neighbors didn’t hear a sound from our apartment.

Yet, I was battling with hell! At the same time, I was pleading mercy. For what exactly? I can’t even say.

Probably I just wanted to live and not die, or it was Jesus that was pleading through my spirit as then.

Some minutes later, I left for the “ladies.” It felt like I was feeling the need to excrete certain things.

Behold, it came out, yeah! it dropped! I was supposed to be excited, but fear shook me! I didn’t know when I blurted out the word. “My baby!”It had formed; I could see the limbs and body shape right inside the water closet.

It was 3 months plus, but I couldn’t keep it. My boyfriend, as of then, did me dirty as he acted nonchalant about the whole thing and left me all to it.

In all honesty, even if he’d asked me to keep it, I wouldn’t. I thought of the pain, shame, rejection, and dreams that would fade off right at the age of seventeen.

He wasn’t my first, but my second, and that was my first pregnancy ever.

You might be wondering: Did I get pregnant again?

Oh yes, I did—twice more! And were gotten rid of as well, for my third boyfriend.

Now, who am I? My name and identity are excluded, but I am a lady who happens to be so rich in emotions; when I love, I love, and when I hate, I hate.

But I was foolish in my thinking; I didn’t utilize my rich emotions so well that I was easily led astray, chattered, broken, and used.

I wouldn’t blame my illness experiences on anyone but myself. I would give no excuses for my actions; I caused my heartbreaks, setbacks, bad happenings in my love life, and other aspects of me. Why? Because’ I felt I understood all I was meant to do—to be and who to be with.

Due to how richly emotional I am, I have faced a terrible toxic relationship and was very much taken advantage of.

I have had four breakups, and all were long-term relationships; the least was a year and a half, while the longest was almost three years with a reduction of a month.

Although I was attending church services, my life was still a mess, and I struggled with almost everything.

The time mom was to travel back to Nigeria, death knocked on her door. And that was how I lost my mama, the breadwinner of the family.

Indeed, her death has caused me a lot of pain up until now.

It all weighed on me. I lost the strength or will to do anything. I kept asking over and over.

“God, what is wrong exactly? Can my life ever be meaningful?” I received no response. Well, I felt I was too dirty for God to speak to.

I decided to stay happy later on and move closer to God.

In my walk with Him, I realized that I had so much pushed God away, which is why He decided not to be involved in the affairs of my life.

It means I was living life with no direction.

I thank God I didn’t die then. What would have become of me in the afterlife?

I became more fervent about the things of God. I started attending a new church, the one my last ex attended. Well, I thank him for that; it was helpful to me—that was before we broke up.

I later joined the new branch of the same church, close to where I live in Lagos, Nigeria, and I found more of God.

He healed my sore heart; he affirmed to me that I’ve been forgiven for a long time, but I needed to forgive myself.

The experience of my mom’s death caused me to start writing, which I had always loved.

Then God told me, I want you to write for me; I want souls to be edified by your skill and lead them closer to the kingdom.

I obliged to this, and today I am a Christian author, a fashion designer, a content creator, a hair oil manufacturer, a happy lover of God, and a singer in the house of God.

The same me who lived a wayward life, aborted three young lives, committed fornication, had terrible anger, lived a stagnant life, lost her mother, and never felt the love of a father is now a great woman of God who God reveals His heart to and gives prophecies to. I am now the same person who men tell, “I celebrate grace, ma.”

I am that person for whom God birthed a ministry from her scars.

I am 27 years old now, although I am still single, but God has already promised me something good and I go with His choice.

Grace found me, and I delight in it.

I hope you can pick out a beat from my story. You’re not forsaken; God still wants to use you. Stop listening to the wrong voice saying you’ve lost all chance. The right voice is that God is calling for you. Hold on to Him so tightly and see a ministry grow in you.

 

Facebook link:  https://www.facebook.com/oluwabukola.mohammed.7?mibextid=ZbWKwL

Instagram: @spark.isme

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Admin_SheEvo

My name is Yasmine Luhandjula, and I am the Chief Editor for She Evolves World. My role is to plan, manage and produce quality, engaging and informative content for our readers.

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