Written by: Admin_SheEvo
Many believe knowledge is power, but it might be according to someone’s situation. When studying, knowledge becomes a sense of fulfilment; it brings hope and enlightenment in relationships and pursues dreams regarding careers, while it might be scary when applied to understanding self-identity and personality. As I learn and encounter plenty of knowledge regarding psychology, social affairs and relationship attributes, it scares me how I see things differently. I have been able to understand quickly the reasons why people act and react in a certain way as they interact with one another. I observe, listen actively, and assess their body language.
The scary part is how I understand myself by navigating my emotions, making internalized self-conversations, and making fair judgements. Calculating how I tortured myself by consciously undermining my abilities, doubting my skills, being brutal towards myself, and constantly blaming myself by referring to my previous mistakes, hate, and hopelessness hurts me. I owe myself a sincere apology for the unpleasant treatment. I had been experiencing insomnia, restlessness, anxiety and not self-assured lately. I thought overworking and the pressure associated with meeting scheduled deadlines led to how I felt and took some days to rest, but nothing changed. As I was reading the articles, I discovered something shocking. Humans naturally portray our beliefs in our actions, consciously or unconsciously.
If one is traumatized and somehow does not manage to heal, the body and mind will keep on reacting in reflection to the past, believing that it is likely to happen again. The sad thing is, in the journey of growth and healing, we usually look on the outside, pointing out who did what, figuring out ways to forgive, forget and move on, leaving behind the things we did unto ourselves. We think that we have healed but eventually find ourselves in the same situations or even worse, while we swore not to repeat the same mistakes and even made strategies to overcome them. What is the reason behind this? We took care of the external matters, leaving internal conflicts unattended. As I went through the article, I felt triggered and began asking myself uncomfortable questions.
I aroused the matters which I constantly ran away from them in fear of getting hurt. I have been keeping up and embracing my self-worth, dignity, respect, clear boundaries, self-discipline, and faith. I felt pain for that person while noting my thoughts in the journal. I refer to her as “that” person because I felt shame for what I have been doing towards her as I realized that I would not consciously treat myself in such a way. Going through uncomfortable emotions was a gateway out of the suffering. Everyone needs someone to talk to, and sometimes all you need is a self sincerely talk. Distracting ourselves through movies, social activities, music, and whatever we feel is helpful is not enough to help deepen our wounds and fill the gaps within. Allowing ourselves to feel vulnerable is the best gift we may receive, thereby standing on behalf of ourselves fully. Being sorry, respectfully speaking to ourselves, and treating ourselves as we treat others lovingly is the next level of grace upon us. Love exists; it is easy to attract the other when we find it within.
By: Dativa Mugashe
