My name is Bethel, and this is my story: From violence to EMERGENCE

Written by: Admin_SheEvo

Wow, I married at a very tender age, immediately after secondary school. Then, I quickly gained university admission, having so many dreams of what my life would look like. To my surprise, it turned into a nightmare. My laughter and glow turned to sorrow, pain, anguish, and regret. My happiness was taken from me; my dreams, ambitions, and future plans were all turned upside down. My life for the past 11 to 12 years has been like a movie that I replay and watch in my mind. My partner has always been angry at me, and I don’t know why. I often tried to understand the reasons for the beatings, insults, and humiliation. All I got was, “I deserve it.” He treated me less than a human. But in all, I was trying to look out for my partner, do my home chores, look after the kids, and maintain my normal routine. Still, the violence kept escalating. He would punch and push me down.

I never really had control over anything I was doing. I ran errands for him, not questioning things anymore but doing as I was told. Still, it wasn’t getting better. The violence was very mentally abusive to start with. You know, the restrictions on money, not being allowed to have friends or even family members, not being allowed to go anywhere besides church, the market, or where he wanted me to be. He punched me until I passed out, and he would rush me to the hospital and tell them I complained of feeling signs of typhoid and malaria, which tests would confirm. Or he would get the nurse to come home to administer treatment, giving me a drip and different injections. I didn’t know what I was doing wrong, but I never seemed to do anything right either. Sometimes, I would smile before my kids because I didn’t want them to remember me crying. But other times, I cried a lot because I was in my home but feeling like a stranger and getting choked.

My partner would hit me because the soup was too thick, and when he complained of that, the next time, I would make it a little watery. He would still beat me. Or maybe because I didn’t keep a bucket of water for him in the bathroom to bathe, he would hit me. My God, I became lost and confused. It got to a point where I immediately heard the sound of his car; I began to tremble. Sudden fear would come upon me; I would start to sweat and feel hot urine coming out. It got so bad that I didn’t laugh or smile any more; I was just there. I can remember vividly when I took the chance to save myself. I wholeheartedly wanted to rescue myself and stay alive for my kids I had brought into this world. My partner asked me to leave the house after his usual routine. I moved back to my parents’ house. At the end of 365 days, I was no longer doing my routine like in past years. I could smile because of the little ray of light I could see in my life. Despite those traumas, I could still move on, and that was the best thing that ever happened to me, not just for myself but for my whole family and children.

I wasn’t rushing into a shop and rushing out just in case he might see me because slowly and slowly, I discovered freedom on the other side of fear. I was almost like a child living in an adult’s body, and I decided to define my life and identity. Whether I was pretty or not, whether I was Cinderella or not, whether I had a banging body or not… no one could come and tell me, “Hey B, you look so ugly and lean.” I could never fit into good clothes or look like a drenched chicken. I stopped allowing him or anyone else to validate me. I knew within me from a young age that I loved everyone, but I was betrayed by not finding love in marriage. So, I decided I would weaponize that love. Instead of hating, I would love the fear out of anybody who had fear in them. I would love the fear out of victims, I would love the fear out of survivors who didn’t know how to move on with their traumas, and I would do something to change the narrative. Suddenly, I was in love, and it was my first love other than my children; it was for me.

I tell this story primarily for women and girls who are going through or have been through so much. I discovered that many like me are out there looking for help. I am a representation of people going through so much pain who have nowhere to go. Their parents can’t accommodate them anymore because of shame. All those who are supposed to protect you are not standing up because of what society will say and how it will look at them. I know there are millions of Bethels out there living my old life, who, from one point to another, have experienced or are experiencing the problems I went through. I don’t want that for anybody because when you suffer, you really want to help protect anyone suffering.That’s why I am growing a structure called Royal Bethel Foundation, to help raise our voice against gender-based violence, be it abusive, mental, or physical abuse.Know that it’s very wrong. We are taught that we are supposed to live and die for our partner or understand the situation and manage it and that we have this duty to fulfil for them. But I say that’s not true. It’s not selfish to think about your own life and safety. First, you should talk to someone. There are so many charitable organizations you could reach out to for help. We are here and trying to do the little we can, which we believe will grow to reach out to different places irrespective of tribe, religion, and culture. We are out to serve you.

You can do whatever you put your mind to. I say you deserve to live your life, not just put one foot in front of the other every day to exist. Tomorrow doesn’t exist; you only have today and deserve it. You deserve to leave that situation today, and things will improve. It was terrible for me years back, but my greatest joy is being alive and reaching out to others or putting smiles on faces in the little way I can. I might not be where I want to be yet, but I make intentional steps every day to get to my destination. I am sorry if someone is abusing you. I am sorry if someone has maltreated you. I am sorry if you are struggling with something I don’t know about. I want you to know something: you don’t know what miracles can come out of broken pieces until you give your broken pieces a chance.

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